Happy Christmas

Merry Christmas!

blowhard

one time i had a dream that i met an old friend of bubbles who told me that he was a whale.

he kept talking and talking. he was just a blowhard. 

yurt neighbor

one time i had a dream that my neighbor was anxious because her yurt was commandeered. it was mainly planetary and ceremonial though. 

it was made from organized fibers.

she figured the conspiracy would hand it back to her after the glamour of the experiment wore off. 

old homeys' week 2015

howdy partners!

y'all need to know OLD HOMEYS' WEEK HAS BEGUN!

so get out your hats, your songbooks, and your favorite beverage! Your posse is pulling into town to wash down the dust. 

little creature

one time i had a dream that a creature came and got caught in the attic.

he was looking for a place to hide for the afternoon. it was good to have a visitor while bubbles was frozen. when night came, he wanted to go back on the prowl for monster stuff.

eventually, i realized, i had to let the little creature free.

a real stinker

one time i had a dream that in the consortium on smells caulkin mustard was preparing a special odor for old homeys' week.

so go get some for your posse before they end up stinking like bologna. 

the friendly departed

one time i had a dream that it was the holiest all souls' day ever.

i even went to the cemetery to visit my friends who are still dead. i tried to get them as many indulgences as possible, so i intended to visit the tombs every day for nine days. on one of the days, the pope was there. he didn't make any speeches. instead, he let the dead people do the talking. 

they told me a story about a well known pianist. the dead people told me he was buried in that cemetery. they sent one of the posse to go get him. in about five minutes the two of them came back together from over the hill and around the bend by the tree. the pianist was shorter than i remembered. everyone called him "maestro" and joked about him being too busy tickling the ivory to have time to visit them. he laughed. then, they got him to play a popular song from back in the day. although the execution was excellent, he hummed while he played it. and i think that detracted from his performance.

it was nice to visit them, and they seemed to delight in having me visit for the week. however, on the fifth day things got spooky. it was dark earlier in the day, because of the time change, and i was a little late getting there. i arrived just before sunset around 4.30. as i was walking to one of my friends' graves, i noticed a huge pile of dry, brown, dirt. it was about 7 feet tall. when i got closer to the tombstone where my friend is buried, i noticed the dirt was from a plot that the gravediggers had opened. it was a spot in the row in front of my friend's grave. 

i decided i didn't want to go any further. i'd leave a stone on my friend's grave another day. even though it was probably empty, and opened for a funeral being held the next morning, i didn't want to get too close. there was no one else in the cemetery, except for the dead people, and it wouldn't be good to slip and fall into the grave.

i walked down the path to the gates of the cemetery. on my way i passed the pianist who was carrying his sheet music on his way to a gig in a different part of the graveyard. he was dressed in formal black tie. when he saw me, he stopped walking, and said hello, but i could tell he was in a rush. he was floating somewhat impatiently, which was extra eerie. he reminded me he was born in 1929.

the pianist said it was too bad he wasn't going to be around for old homeys' week -which is coming up soon, by the way. he told me to eat a banana to remember him. 

outside of the gates, hanging out by the fence, there were some slouching teenagers dressed in flannel shirts. some of them had their hands in their pants pockets. they were drinking cans of cheap beer and coffee out of paper cups. one guy was nibbling on a cheeseburger wrapped in yellow waxed paper. i walked past them as i left. one of them remarked to the others "that dude looks creeped out." they laughed.

<<maybe he saw a ghost.>> one of the girls said. a few of them laughed, but most of them groaned. i kept walking. i didn't want to get into a conversation, so i didn't bother to warn them about the open grave.

when i got home, before i went inside, i washed the cemetery dirt off my feet and washed my hands with soap in the side fountain.

i decided not to go back to the graveyard at twilight anymore.

devil's night

one time i had a dream that bubbles was worried about the devil. 

he wanted me to alert everyone with the following warning.

! BE AWARE !

This evening 

(October 30th)

is

"DEVIL's NIGHT" 

DO NOT: Stay up past midnight, get drunk, or start any fires tonight.

DO NOT: Perform complex mathematical operations, play violin, or sign any contracts, UNTIL DAYLIGHT breaks on All Hallow's Day.

i told bubbles there was no reason to be scared. it was just a trick perpetrated by the radio department and the movie makers to bring in the moolah.

bubbles said the devil's night is a real holiday.

eye wolf

one time i had a dream that it was the eye wolf.

he made your eyes go zigzag with terror and angst if you heard him howl. there was no escape.

legal hemp

one time i had a dream that getting bubbles unfrozen from the ice was going to be more difficult than we imagined.

it was going to take alot of rope, too. 

fortunately, hemp is legal in canada. 

constellation

one time i had a dream that during the eclipse, i discovered a new constellation.

because of that, i had to pay a star tax. i tried to tell them, i'm not so well known, but i still had to pay it. it's the price of fame.

my pet-fish, bubbles, didn't say anything because he was still frozen under a glacier or an iceberg.

rescue

one time i had a dream that it was time to go up to canada to rescue bubbles, my pet-fish.

he was frozen in a glacier

flying cigar

one time i had a dream that the only way to rescue bubbles was with the help of a flying cigar.

and some fried eggs.

alive, alive, oh!

one time i had a dream that mathilde, the fiancee of my cousin harold, read in her book of stuff that bubbles, my pet fish, was actually alive!

but he was frozen in a glacier in the canadian artic.

 

Here Endeth Ye Lyfe of Mr Bubbles Petfish D.J.

one time i had a dream that my pet fish, bubbles, froze to death.

he was on an expedition to discover the northwest passage and was stuck in the ice floes. he was trying to to establish a trade route to india. 

i had to finish writing his biography for him:

Here Endeth Ye Lyfe & Historie of Mr Bubbles Petfish, D.J.

February 22 1993 - June 21 2015

et erunt pisces multi satis

R.I.P.

suave

one time i had a dream that i was impressed by my own ability on the dance floor.

no one else was.

jar wizard

one time i had a dream that the jar wizard couldn't open his mustard.

he blamed my pet fish, bubbles, and wanted him pickled in a jar.

he wanted the local minister to give a sermon denouncing bubbles too, but the reverend was too busy composing an opera to bother with that. 

i told the jar wizard i liked his tv show. "jar wizard" was a half hour show where he tried to open a jar. sometimes he'd open it and have a snack, other times he'd struggle and not get it open.

you'd never know

stupid time travelers

one time i had a dream that we were  going to give him a rocking chair to watch the river go by, but the time travelers from the 18th century arrived and ruined everything.

my pet fish, bubbles, said it was a canal, not a river.

nightmare

one time i had a dream that i had the misfortune to be back in 2nd grade with ms. gorgonova as my teacher again.

in albo civitatis

one time i had a dream that i was summoned back to my alma mater to deliver, in italian, a commencement address. 

general election

one time i had a dream that it was  polling day in the UK.

good luck to everyone in britian at the election. i hope that you win.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that he's against a hung parliament because he's opposed to capital punishment.

at least, if they're peers, they'll get hung with a silken rope, i told him.

bubbles laughed and said that britain doesn't have an elected house of lords, anyway.

swim, swam, swum = stink, sank, sunk

one time i had a dream that it was not safe to swim there.

pedal faster!

one time i had a dream that i had to pedal faster.

beltane

one time i had a dream that i was celebrating the season by dancing.

it protected society by preventing the erosion of traditional discourse.

soup

one time i had a dream that a whiff of my favourite odor, which is soup, was conveyed to my nostrils via an olfactory satellite.

the manuscript library

one time i had a dream that i visited the manuscript library. it was filled with bibliomaniacs.

the told me the whole structure was threatened by underground rivers of lava. the lava was controlled by a devil.

they told me his name was steve. 

argumentation

one time i had a dream that it was an argument between the past and the future.

the past wouldn't shut up and the future was too weird to be believed.

stupid humans

one time i had a dream that when we checked the rhino was gone.

bubbles, my pet fish, said humans are stupid.

the rescue cat returns

one time i had a dream that i was part of a team of ship detectives who had to track down an infamous pirate and bad dude.

he unhooked all the ropes and let all of the ships out of the harbor without any of their crews.

i had to locate the missing ships and bring them back to port. the rescue cat, who rang the bell for bubbles, helped me.

we got them all back safely. 

flap my wings

one time i had a dream that a new programme on the interdimensional television. 

it was called "flap my wings"

the show was supposed to be about angels, but it wasn't very realistic. my pet fish, bubbles, said that it smelled very foul.

it had two seasons and it was cancelled, but it got picked up on an inter-dimensional tv network and they commissioned two more seasons. it centered around the problems of a group of good angels. they were often tempted and much of the drama on the show is built around this idea with the comic elements provided by the unexpected dialogues and decisions. 

the main character would find a reason to say "flap my wings" as a statement of astonishment or defiance. it was her catch phrase. 

the angels were afraid that people in their neighborhood were going to find out they were other-worldly beings and beat them up.

the only person who knew their secret was a their next door neighbor, david, who was a rabbi. he wasn't the kind of rabbi who was good on angels and arcane mystical stuff. he was the kind of rabbi you talked to if you were having problems in your marriage or to be at your kid's bar mitzvah. 

venus and the roses

one time i had a dream that i read in the book of verse how venus transformed the rose bush into apes.

my pet fish, bubbles, wasn't in that dream. i guess he was in someone else's dreams that night.

my philosophy

one time i had a dream that i got to kick back, relax, and philosophize with the sea.

the sea didn't philosophize back.

phoebe! phoebe! phoebe!

one time i had a dream that as soon as phoebe started singing, the birds showed up. 

they all called her name louder than any rooster could crow. she out sung them all through the morning into the evening.  

and, when they had all gone back to their nests for the night, she laughed at the little birdies.

australians

one time i had a dream that the sea monster would come out at midnight and scare everyone off the beach.

it turned out that it was only an australian hologram used by the life-guards.

bubbles, my pet-fish, said it's only mythology; there is no such thing as australians.

i told him that just because he's never seen one doesn't mean they don't exist.

cinema nasty

one time i had a dream that bubbles and i went to the local cinema to see a horror film for april fool's day.

it was in 3-D, but not the new, good, 3-D. instead it was the old one with square blue and red lenses in white paper glasses.

it was called i made it with crickets! and it was very scary, despite the cheap special effects, and the exploitation of cricket music.

it didn't give me a nightmare, though. i don't get sacred of movies or crickets.

out of the blue

one time i had a dream that i got struck by a bolt of lightening. it didn't make me any more wise, it just hurt alot.

my pet fish, bubbles, said it was a good thing that i wasn't standing a puddle or i would have been electrocuted.

glitter

one time i had a dream that everyone was in a good mood, because of the extra daylight, on account of spring. they said that it was like glitter.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that it was merely a photo-chemical reaction as a result of increased vitamin D.

winged man

one time i had a dream that i was following fairweather the bull into flower country.

he told me there was a girl there that he wanted to meet. he wanted me to be his winged man.

hengest

one time i had a dream that it was a pretty decent party, until my friend hengest started telling everybody his problems.

he lost a fortune in butter futures. the butter ended up melting.

nobody wanted to hear that at a party.

people tried to change the subject by complimenting him on his honesty.

glow

one time i had a dream that after the concussion, teeth and toes, i am anything that glows.

my fellow americans!

i would like to wish you a happy saint patrick's day and remind you that boiled cabbage is kind of disgusting unless:

a) you're starving as a result of an unjust economic and political system based on religious discrimintation and enforced through the brutal exercise of power.

b) you're very drunk, or 

c) you put peanut butter or mustard on it.

this year if you don't feel like getting drunk, you can always have some cabbage. i recomend using some caulkin mustards!

caulkin mustards! is now available in peanut butter flavor too!

electric music

one time i had a dream that the greatest learning was imprisoned in song and could only be released through the electric music of the cosmic lute.

wide lapels are back

one time i had a dream that i could see the storm coming because of wide lapels.

my pet fish bubbles said wide ties and loose knots.

developments

one time i had a dream that the developments were causing a great deal of pertubation.

hurry up

one time i had a dream that mercury kept telling me to hurry up.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that this was just because he was retrograde.

waterslide

one time i had a dream that billionaire from the city wanted to pull a waterslide through my garden.

i let him do it.

he got bored with it a week later, so i used the slide as an irrigation system.

sneakers

one time i had a dream that we had to sneak back into caulkin hall late at night.

i didn't want to wake up bubbles.

fairyland

one time i had a dream that i was transported to fairyland. 

i made a trip to the local pub because i had to pee. 

the parish priest told them to let me use the wc. however, and most unfortunately, the barman said i'd have to buy a round of drinks before he'd give me the key. 

i told him "i only have one yankee dollar!" 

which turned out to be a considerably large fortune in elf-land.

who knew?

nice socks

one time i had a dream that joe sassarese was on the corner trying to start trouble with pedestrians.

when i walked by he told me i had nice socks and could i spare a buck so he could get himself a machiatto.

clarity

one time i had a dream that my uncle cuthred handed back his knighthood and renounced his title.

nobody could believe it. he said that he had undergone a transformation.

"into what, being fat?" bubbles asked.