the serial killer

one time i had a dream that there was a serial killer on the loose.

the original musician

one time i had a dream that i was listening to a series of lectures on tape about the origins of music. 

bubbles said that they were actually mp3 podcasts. 

i responded that music was originally recorded on cassette tapes.   

the student

one time i had a dream that i was back in school. it was exam season and all the halls were filled with rows of chairs and desks. the students were in a furry of cramming, and study notes were being exchanged with the frenzy of the stock market trading floor. people were going wild.

it wasn't a nightmare, but it wasn't fun either. i had to prep for my exam in italian, but i couldn't remember any of the words. i kept looking at my dante, but nothing legible appeared on the page. it seemed like random syllables that vaguely resembled words.

when i sat to write the exam, i discovered that it was a test about mustard.

 i aced it, of course.

crop circles

one time i had a dream that i met the being in charge of crop circles.

i asked him why he made them.

he shrugged his shoulders and told me that it's a job, just like any other.

the earthquake

one time i had a dream that my body odor was so powerful that it caused an earthquake.

i had been hiking in the adirondacks the week before the quake. i climbed several mountains, but did not complete my goal of climbing all 46 of them. on my way down mount marcy, i stopped for a rest. everybody was eating chocolate fudge at the john's brook lodge.

when i got to port henry, bubbles said that i stunk. we were going to have lunch together but he said the smell was so offensive that he didn't want to bother seeing me. he was going to vist the lake monster, champ, at the court of poseiden. the sea god has a summer residence in lake champlain, i guess. while i was at ticonderoga, i decided to climb mount defiance. when i got to the top, all of the people having lunch under the pavilion threw me nasty looks and got in their cars and drove off. it was a delicious view from the top. it was green and yellow.

apparently, according to bubbles, the smell of my body odor wafted down the hill into lake champlain. it was carried underwater to the court of poseidon. when the court attendants smelled my body odor everyone started to feel nauseous. poseidon, himself, started to cough and thought he was going to throw up, because i smelled so bad. he got very angry and caused an earthquake by throwing his trident. the trident was about the size of a fork. it wasn't a huge earthquake, but enough to let everyone know i smelled.

when i got home, i took a shower. bubbles told me that poseidon had given him a message to deliver to me. it said when i wash up, i'd better use soap.

the mummy

one time i had a dream that i was there when the mummy got examined.

bubbles and i had been captured by pirates off the horn of africa. we had gone on vacation. we went to socotra to escape from the tourists. we visited the famous caves and hit the beach at qlinsia. it was pretty fun and relaxing. on our way home we stopped at shibam to see the sky scrapers and to chew the qat. while we were sailing out of samhah, our boat was attacked by pirates.

the pirates climbed aboard and took us prisoner. the sea was very blue. they began to sail back to their base at the horn, when they noticed a nearby boat flying a danish flag. they approached the boat and boarded her. the danes on the ship held up their hands and looked scared. there were 14 of them, and they all had big beards. they put the danes on the boat and went back to their head-quarters. they made us wear blindfolds so that we couldn't tell where we were going.

when we got to the base, they put us in a jail cell with iron bars. there was a guy in the cell who was asleep on a bunk. bubbles asked the pirates what they were going to do with us. they told us we were being held for ransom. while they were waiting for the ransom to arrive, they were going to feed us stolen recipes and make us watch bootlegged movies. this made bubbles furious because he considered himself something of a film star, and resented that the actors weren't making money on the videos we had to watch.

that night, the prisoner in who was sleeping in the cell that afternoon woke everyone up. the danes started to laugh, but, in a whisper he told them to stop. he thanked them for coming to rescue him, and asked what the escape plan was. they explained to bubbles and i that they were no ordinary danes. they were vikings. they had come to rescue one of their companions who had been a prisoner. they deliberately let themselves be captured so they could find their man.

they started making alot of noise banging on the iron bars and shouting. the guard came down the hall and told them to shut up. some how they grabbed him, stole his keys, and took hold of his rifle. they unlocked the door and we were on the run. the pirates chased after us. we got on board a speed boat and took off. the pirates chased us, and seemed near to catching us. the leader of the vikings said we should blow up the boat and swim for shore.

bubbles jumped out of his bowl and into the sea. they set the ship on fire and let it float out in the ocean. the engine exploded and the gasoline fire lit up the sky. the pirates were very surprised.

we bobbed up and down in the tide. the vikings joked that at least there were no sea monsters to contend with. they said that we would have to travel by land, but i didn't have a fish bowl to take bubbles with us. the vikings told us that as we traveled north, we would move further back in time. bubbles and i agreed that he should swim the red sea, and we would roundez-vous in cairo in 1909. we said our farewells and bubbles began his long and solitary voyage over the whale road.

the vikings  said they could navigate by the stars. we swam to land and came ashore at djibouti. it was morning. we needed to find a place to stay and get some sleep. we found lodgings with a group of poets who were leaving the next morning for khartoum in 1884. they agreed to hire the vikings as their body guards.

we traveled over land, while bubbles, presumably, was swimming north in the red sea. we arrived in khartoom too late for the poets, who nevertheless, arrived unscathed. they thanked the cohort of scandinavians and composed a victory song in their honor. the danes seemed to adore this, and thought the best way to celebrate the poets was to share a large quantity of aquavit with the locals. the landlord of the house we were staying in was a very strict teetotaler and it caused a bit of a scrape for the danes.

we traveled northward, finally securing a barge to travel along the nile. it made for a delightful trip back. as we saw all of the sights along the way. we mainly avoided crocodiles, but we did encounter a rather embarrassing delay when the progress of our boat was temporarily held up by a group of hippopotami that occupied the river. we attempted every method of relocation, but they seemed unfazed by us. eventually, one of the vikings imitated the sound of fresh ripe grass that they liked to eat. he stood on the shore and called to them. the hippos became quite excited and started to chase after him. the river was clear, and he managed to return to the barge.

we made it to cairo in 1909. the vikings were going to continue northward. they said judging by the distance to denmark, they would arrive home near to their own time in around the year one thousand. i thanked them for their assistance, and decided i should try to find bubbles.

i wandered around the streets of cairo. i was uncertain whether bubbles had made it there yet or if he was in the right year. they didn't have cell phones in 1909, so i couldn't call him. i soon found suitable bachelor's accommodations that morning, which provided for most of my needs. while i was wandering around i found a coffee shop where the men were sitting around playing backgammon and discussing the newspapers. i made the acquaintance of an american gentleman, professor brown, who told me that he had arrangements to purchase a mummy for a museum in albany, ny.

when i told professor brown about the house in albany, we started talking about all the places in town. apparently, he wasn't familiar with all of them, but of others certainly he was. we chatted about state street, pearl street, and washington park. finally he came round to talking about egyptology. i was going to mention my uncle cuthred's theories about babylonian archeology, but professor brown mentioned he had heard rumors about an amazing fish who could best the greatest players in cairo at backgammon.

i knew that i had found bubbles.

prof. brown said that he was hoping to see the fish but he had an appointment that afternoon to inspect the mummy. he said he could always come back tomorrow, because the fish had been there every afternoon for the last month. he was a regular.

prof. brown asked me if i'd like to accompany him to view the mummy. he said it could be an interesting situation, and likely not one i had witnessed before - mummy purchase negotiations. i was excited, and agreed to tag along. the professor asked the mummy man to unwrap it so he could be sure that it was a legitimate mummy, and not a fake. then he offered to buy an additional mummy. he said he had to make arrangements with albany for more funding, however. the professor and i exchanged contact information in cairo and in albany, so we could meet up again. he told me which ship he was taking back to new york, if i was interested in having company on the trip home.

the next day, i went to the cafe where i met the professor. as i expected, bubbles was there cleaning up at backgammon. he had an highly ornamental bowl, with a brass stand and elaborate sea-horse designs in the fixtures. the bowl was crystal and was hand painted in an art nouveau style. he had a couple of tough looking fellows, he later told me they were his body guards, carry him around. he asked me what took me so long to get there. he was happy to see me.

i told bubbles about my plans to get back to albany, but i didn't know how to get to our time. he said it would be better to be in albany than cairo, even though he was enjoying himself, and we would work out the time thing later. i asked him if he was swimming or if he was traveling on the ship with prof. brown, the mummies, and myself. bubbles said he didn't fancy the whale road this time, and he intended to travel in style. it seems he made a small fortune at the bazaars in cairo.

and so, we sailed back to america. back to albany and our own hudson river. still, i wasn't sure how we were going to find our way back to the 21st century.