24.12.13

blow up the school


one time i had a dream that they were going to blow up the school to build a toaster factory.

until a local business man and his pet-fish saved the day, that is.

how did they save the school?
they discovered that the toaster factory wasn't going to use rye bread!

23.12.13

my embarrassing selfie


one time i had a dream that my topless selfie got leaked to the internet. i took it on the beach. 
it was so embarrassing. on the other hand everyone saw how buff i looked.

7.12.13

the chocolate boat


one time i had a dream that the boat had been buried in the middle of the field because that was the best place to hide the semi-stolen chocolate.

5.12.13

a gift


one time i had a dream that my pet fish, bubbles, decided that i needed to issue gift certificates. 

i think this would make a great gift for all the boys and girls.

1.12.13

ice investments


one time i had a dream that my cousin, harold, showed up, during old homeys' week, to try to get the old posse to loan him some money . 

he said it was for his "ice investments."

26.11.13

how we didn't meet


one time i had a dream that my pet-fish, bubbles, wrote the chapter of his biography about when i met him.

he got a few things wrong, however.

for example, i wasn't drowning. i know how to swim. 
it was springtime, not autumn, too.

and there are no canals in woodstock.

25.11.13

past apples


one time i had a dream that during old homies' week we had to sing the songs about the sparks that made the apples swell.

24.11.13

piano player


one time i had a dream that my piano lessons had transformed me in a very radical, fundamental, way.


22.11.13

old homies's week


one time i had a dream that i got pulled back into old homies' week.

bubbles, my pet-fish, said that he never knew my posse had horns.

not only that, i told him, we also had a palace.

16.11.13

write your own bio



one time i had a dream that bubbles tried to write his own biography. 

he refused to call it an "autobiography" because he never owned a car.

15.11.13

the time dragon



one time i had a dream that i thought i saw a dragon on the prowl.

it turned out it was actually a robotic observation device that had come through a wormhole.

this made more sense of course.

14.11.13

bubbles's apartment


one time i had a dream that my pet-fish, bubbles, got his own apartment.

it was a little place above a quiet pub in prenarial street. bubbles enjoyed having his own residence that overlooked the traffic of the high street. he'd watch traffic pass by and mock the pedestrians in his mind. he hated their simpleton ways.

people in the pub (it was named "the lucky bishop") started talking about bubbles, however. he had many different guests who he would meet in the pub before they would go upstairs to his flat. prenarial street is a very insular community, given to traditional ways and somber conversation. they thought bubbles was a bit too eccentric -and not in a charming way. they resented his dj skills and they despised his radical politics.

finally, when the first month's rent was due, the landlord came round to see bubbles. the landlord told bubbles that he'd have to find another place to live, things weren't working out, and the pub wanted to open an art gallery in the space.

bubbles said that rent is another form of theft. he moved back into caulkin hall the following month.


13.11.13

save the baby


one time i had a dream that i saved the baby.

but the brat didn't even say "thank you."

10.11.13

8.11.13

new glasses


one time i had a dream that the abbot arnoulf, who is the brother of mathilde -- the fiancée of my cousin harold, had to start wearing glasses.

he wasn't happy about it.

bubbles told him it was no big deal.

7.11.13

she fell off the trestle


one time i had a dream that bubbles's sister, cinnabar, fell off the trestle and got killed.

it was a friday night, around 10:30, in october. it was cold and windy. some of the kids had started a bonfire to keep warm, but she wandered down the tracks to the trestle with a few friends. they could see the landscape around them in the moonlight.

she fell
     like a doom painted leaf
       in autumn -- 
 scarlet tumbling
through pinpoints of 
blue and amber light 
across the dark, cloudless, sky.

even the men in the mouse tower felt sorry for her passing.

5.11.13

the galactic treaty of 1986


one time i had a dream that i found a card celebrating the galactic treaty of 1986.

it celebrated the interplanetary trade agreement and mutual defense program among the solar systems in the milky way. no one could agree on common currency or interplanetary language but they figured they made sufficient progress among the species to commemorate it with a large bash. everyone in the milky way held a great party back in 1986. on earth they called it "galaxy day."

while looking around in the attic of caulkin hall,i found an invitation card for one of the parties.

my pet-fish, bubbles, said that they should have used konkani as the universal language.

4.11.13

now, now, the temper...please.


one time i had dream that gerald threw a temper tantrum when he realised that no-one was impressed by how sharp his wardrobe is.

gerald is one of the brothers of mathilde -- who is the fiancée of my cousin harold. he is a unfamous fashion designer. people didn't take his designs seriously and it angered him. he stamped his feet. he parked his behind in people's chairs and wouldn't let them sit down. he sent out press releases, albeit with spelling mistakes, and emails announcing how important his designs were.

my pet-fish, bubbles, said that gerald was also angry because certain members of the fashion world laughed at the size of his credit score. he told them that he was really good friends with the bankers in switzerland who netted three billion dollars last year.

the bankers wrote back and said they were neutral.

2.11.13

delivery of flowers


one time i had a dream that a butter fairy delivered flowers while you were out to lunch.

1.11.13

embedded in the organelles


one time i had a dream that the red elves tried to show me a map of the galaxy embedded in the organelles of people's cells just in case we got lost.

31.10.13

the mexican expert


one time i had a dream that i hired a mexican expert on spices to help me formulate some new new mustards.

he told me about epazote. we spent some time in the mustard lab. he showed me lots of new techniques i didn't know about. unfortunately, he broke a bunch of my flavor jars. at the end of the week i told him that he had been very helpful, that i learned alot, and his consultant position couldn't be continued due to financial constraints (he charged very large fees, by the way).

he told me that was cool and that he enjoyed working with me. i asked where he was headed next. he told me had offers from three other companies that wanted him to be the chief culinary officer. he was probably going to spend some time vacationing in grosse pointe with his brother's ex-wife before he made a decision.

my pet fish, bubbles, told me that everyone was impressed with how important he was. 

27.10.13

itchy sweater


one time i had a dream that i wore a sweater because it was foggy, but the wool made me itch. 

25.10.13

the map


one time i had a dream that the garden with the map of the world was guarded by lady who wanted me to kiss her.

24.10.13

no shoes


one time i had a dream that i went to the store barefoot. everyone was annoyed.

even the two people who were robbing the store thought it was inappropriate. they were on their way back from an experimental concert in the woods. there was a very wealthy lady who lived across the river and her assassin attendant. her servant had an automatic rifle and catapult. she was a good shot. the rich lady decided to rob the store because she was bored and could get away with it.

they went into the store and the rich lady's attendant shouted "shut up kids, this a hold up!" the rich lady walked up to the counter and addressed the two gentlemen who were running the store kindly requesting that they turn over the available cash to her. 

they were going to take me hostage. but they decided not to because of my feet.

bubbles, my pet-fish, said this was typical of their middle class insecurity.

20.10.13

my orginal ancestor in new york



one time i had a dream that my original ancestor in new york, naaktgeboren zonderbroek, arrived in town withouten any clothes.
naaktgeboren zonderbroek washed up from a trans-atlantic shipwreck. he landed at the beach at kingston point. as he was walking up the sand, he saw a group of ladies who were playing volleyball. they were twice his age. he was 14. when they saw him emerge from the cold water they all started to a laugh at him. he approached them and asked in dutch if they could help him. one of the ladies gave him her cotton robe and a pair of plastic flip flops. the robe had blue and white stripes. it was actually quite stylish. he asked if there was a town near by. he needed to find shelter and clothing. 

the one lady told him he should walk up the big hill. this would lead him onto delaware avenue toward broadway. that would bring him into town. he walked doggedly up the street. he walked all the way to the stockade district. they opened the gates and let him in.

later that afternoon the lady who gave him the robe was walking to the post office on main street. instead of a swimsuit she was wearing business clothes. she saw him near the church. he smiled. she asked him what he was doing. he said he was sort of lost because of a shipwreck. she told him to come with her and she would have him over for dinner. she sent some texts with her mobile phone. she didn't tell him who she was texting.

when she got to her place, her roommates laughed at him with her robe. they gave him a t-shirt, some underwear, and a pair of jeans that fit him because he was quite skinny. they all ate dinner together. they ate salad and cheese, and bread with raspberry jam.

after dinner they asked him what his story was.

he told them that his name was naaktgeboren zonderbroek. he described his origins in breukelen. he told them how as an orphaned infant he floated into that town in a wicker basket, after a flood, with a black cat that steered the basket. he described his journey, six months ago, into utrecht to find a trade, his journey on the kaanal, his falling off the dike into the sea, his floating on his wooden shoes and navigation with his nightshirt as a sail, his rescue by a dutch ship bound for the new world, and the storm and shipwreck that dumped him on the banks of the hudson without his clothes.

they asked him if he was going to go back to holland or stay in kingston. he said he didn't know yet.

however, you and i, gentle reader, know that he did stay there and eventually marry and begin a famous line of descendants. but my dream ends here at this fateful dinner because the cell phone of one of the ladies rang, and that put a stop to my sleeping. 

18.10.13

bear ancestor

 
one time i had a dream that the bear ancestor was on the prowl.
 
he liked to wear mittens and eat garlic.


13.10.13

shark festival

 
 
one time i had a dream that sharks were let loose on the city's flooded streets as a summer festival.
 
the department of sharks handed out helium balloons to help people avoid being bitten, even though the sharks were mostly safe. if you saw them coming you could give them a soft nudge and they'd swim off. however, they caught a some unaware and few people got their ankles bitten. but the bites barely broke the skin and there wasn't a lot of blood.

at the end of the week they had to fire off a beef-cannon to get the sharks to leave town.

bubbles said that sharks are over-rated.

 
 
 


10.10.13

pin the poster

 
 
one time i had a dream that my pet-fish bubbles wouldn't stop talking about his favorite video game "pin the poster."
 
he was even having dreams about it.




26.9.13

radio-links

 
 
one time i had a dream that a lady told me that she was stuck in a wheel with delayed solutions and the engines were shutting off.

she turned on the inter-stellar radio bound in the apple seeds and communicated with distant cow-hearders and railway engineers. they reminded her that appeasements backfire and not to waste her time on pointless struggles.

instead, they counseled her, remember that her charisma ignites radiation to illuminate the galaxy.

14.9.13

the spectacles of kismet

 
 
one time i had a dream that my spectacles allowed me to anticipate blueprints.

while i was at the gas station i bought a new set of sunglasses off the rack. i wiped them down with hand sanitizer before i wore them because i didn't want other people's germs. when i wore the glasses i got to see some of the most amazing buildings that were never built. there were whole cityscapes that didn't exist but that might one day be. it was freaky travelling through the imaginary architecture in the process of growing into being. it turned towns into forests of possibilities.
 
i was travelling around the new hudson valley understanding the succeeding structures that the glasses provided. i figured that i needed buy some chewing gum. i went back to the petrol station. the proprietor was talking to a man with a blue baseball cap with orange writing on it.

the man was the wizard kismet. when i entered the gas station they both heaved a sigh of relief. kismet smiled. he asked if i bought the sunglasses there.

i told him that i bought them there only a few hours ago.

he smiled even wider. kismet said that he knew this because the proprietor of the gas station and he had gone back to watch the security videos. sometimes it's good to be able to look back as well as look forward he said. then he told me the sun glasses actually belonged to his wife. she had taken them off to buy to try on a pair of regular specs. she accidentally left them on the display rack. he had done an incantation on them to help her on save time her job as an architect. she was completely distraught at loosing them.

kismet offered me a considerable sum of money to buy them back. i told him that he could have them back for free. he was gratefully astonished and said he really must give me something.
so, i asked him to buy me a lottery ticket. he bought me a five dollar quick pick and two scratch offs. he also paid for my chewing gum.

my pet fish bubbles said that we should use the knowledge from the glasses to invest in property. we could buy the spots were the most elaborate edifices would be built and sell them for a profit. i tried to tell him that the glasses didn't predict the future. they only suggested plans for buildings that could be built there.
bubbles didn't seem to understand this. 


kismet also said if i was ever in a place where he was performing, i would get free admission to his show.

8.9.13

eat your dinner

 
 
one time i had a dream that i was remembering the time my cousin harold wouldn't eat his dinner back when we were boys.

we were having a river-front picnic. there was celery soup and gorgonzola cheese. there was jazz apples cider and asparagus tips. best of all there was ripe peas with margarine. it was delicious.
 
harold wouldn't eat his dinner. he only wanted to watch the boats go by on the river. we kept telling him that the peas were fantastic. he didn't care.

he ran up and down the edge of the water with his napkin tucked into his shirt. his parents threatened to pack up the picnic back into its wicker basket. that didn't work.  they told him he'd have to spend the evening doing extra multiplication home work. that didn't work either. he wouldn't eat his peas.

each time he ran past us he said "i can float like boat. i can glide like the tide."

all the other people down on the strand, including his parents, shouted "eat your peas!" but he wouldn't.

7.9.13

sending the biscuit


one time i had a dream that emma, the cousin of mathilde who is the fiancée of my cousin harold, sent a me a postcard from florida.

emma was working on a documentary about shuffleboard. she was researching the different styles of paddles used by devoted players in st petersburg. not all of them were old people in pastel cardigans, she wrote.

the postcard had a painting of an orange grove and the words "welcome to florida" in blue sans serif letters on it. this set me wondering about the difference between a grove and an orchard. the best thing to do in situations like this is look it up, so i consulted a lexicon. unfortunately, the scholars who compiled the big dictionary weren't as helpful as i would have liked.

our readers and definers who wrote the dictionary  claimed that the word orchard was descended from the latin word hortus and this term means garden. the word grove was germanic. but it was so old no-one knew where it came from. making the it even more mysterious, the word grove has no relatives in any other language. orchards, if i understand this correctly, always refer to highly cultivated tree farms. groves can also refer to such arrangements, but they can also refer to closely clustered trees that grow wild.

my pet-fish, bubbles, said this reminded him of the word rabbit of which no-one knows the etymology. one day people just started to use it in the 14th century without any explanation. i told him that it wasn't exactly the same. in the case of one word it was just very old and in the other instance the word was just very new. after i said that i realized they raised quite different questions. bubbles responded that they were similar since they both had problematic etymologies and that i was just splitting hairs.

anyway, bubbles said, the whole matter of shuffleboard left a sour taste in his mouth. he told me that he once won a semi-large sum of dough in a semi-professional tournament. however, he lost it in the semi-final round.

6.9.13

the magical appointment

 
one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, got another gig playing a beach dj in a film called "the magical appointment".

bubbles was reluctant to take the role. he said that he was afraid of being type-cast as a musical lightweight and beach performer.

 

5.9.13

the prince of breukelen

 
 
one time i had a dream that my original ancestor in new york, nakktgeboren zonderbroek, was mistaken for an important minister of state back in the netherlands.
 
he was first arriving in utrecht from breukelen. the princeling loaned him a set of clothes because when the princeling met him on the road nakktgeboren was wearing some tattered rags held together with fishing line. the princeling was from a very noble location in the holy roman empire. when nakktegboren arrived in utrecht he was taken to be the princeling himself. they bowed to him. he bowed back and acted very royal. they wanted to take him to the palace of the archbishop.
 
when he opened his mouth and started speaking, however, things changed. people realized, because of his accent, that he couldn't possibly be foreign royalty. they asked him what was going on.
 
he told them he was from breukelen. people lost interest in him. they were hoping that he was an exotic -maybe even from china. they shook their heads. a couple of young whippersnappers laughed.

then, they got excited about a cart load of oranges that was coming in on the kanaal. the crowd was in such a rush for the new fruit that he had to jump out of the way to avoid getting stepped on.
 


14.8.13

beardo the fantastic

 
 
one time i had a dream that the lizard preacher and the frog farmer had a discussion with beardo the fantastic about his career as a cabinet maker.

he said that he'd enter people's houses and build new cabinets in their kitchen even if they didn't want them. sometimes, they'd decide they liked them and would actually pay him. it was easier than trying to make appointments.

he told the frog farmer he should build a cave in his kitchen to keep his produce organic. beardo also told the lizard preacher it was important to have a private branch exchange. the lizard preacher said he didn't need one but beardo tried to install it anyway.

the lizard preacher was pretty sure that beardo didn't know what he was doing, but let beardo continue. later that afternoon the lizard preacher decided to place a phone call to the prime minister. the phone system didn't seem to work at all. instead he got connected to dairy farm down in victoria.

the dairy farmer was in his milking parlor. he didn't mind being interrupted from his milking because he was the sort of fellow who enjoyed the unexpected. but, when he found out that it was the lizard preacher he was annoyed. he told the lizard preacher beardo was always installing faulty phone booths in his cabinets. he hopped up and down and called beardo a fraud.

the lizard preacher had no other course to follow but to dismiss beardo the fantastic. he hired a man name otto to sort out the phone difficulties. the only problem was that otto was especially afeared of wires. otto never actually touched or talked on the phones because he was terrified of being electrocuted.

the lizard preacher cautioned him that he had nothing to fear - all is illusion. otto told him you can't make a triple dismissal every game.

7.8.13

extravaganza

 
 
one time i had a dream that the easter bunny teamed up with the language elves for an amazing extravaganza.
 
my pet-fish, bubbles, agreed that even he had to bury the hatchet for this one. he buried it in pennsylvania. the quakers talked him into it. 

6.8.13

the other side of the mountain

 
 
one time i had a dream that my grandmother thought she owned the whole town because the street sweepers saw a bear.

it was very early in the morning in the late spring. they had got their brooms, mops, and buckets. they were walking down the road to buy coffee before beginning work when they saw him. the sun was just coming up. the bear was slowly ambling along and ready to go back to sleep. he stepped off the side-walk pavement stones, over the curb, onto the tarmac street. he disturbed the little grey pebbles that accumulated in the gutter. they rolled and scattered across the street. the coffee seller watched the street sweepers. they were imitating the bear as they approached her counter.

when my grandmother got word that the bear had been spotted she was ecstatic. she went to the city hall and told them it was her building now. in fact, she said, the whole town was her's. she owned it. the bear had been up all night acquiring the land for her. everything was now her personal property.

the officials tried to protest. she threatened to fire them, tear down city hall, and build a theatre on the spot. some of the lawyers objected and told her there would be lawsuits. however, she held up the papers, and they had to agree that it was all legal.
 
some of the townspeople wanted to challenge the bear's right to act as advocate. the judge said that the bear held the original deeds and had sold them fair and square.  
 
the street cleaners didn't know what to do. my grandmother told them that as long as they continued to pay their rent they could continue to clean the streets.

5.8.13

the spigot of the moon

 
 
one time i had a dream that the key to lunar travel was connected to the cold water spigot of the bathtub.

the handle of the old spigot had become worn out after much use. the plumber came and installed new fixtures. he claimed that they were antiques with an elegant provenance. they had  swans as the spouts and bronze globes for the knobs. the sphere for the hot water was a map of the world and the cold water knob was a map of the moon. he wrote out a bill from a pad that he kept in his overalls' front pocket.

that evening i was going to take a bath. when i turned on the cold water, by adjusting the position of the moon, clear water began to pour out, just as i expected. then, something strange happened. white water lilies and green lily pads started to pour out and float around in the bathtub. this was both unprecedented and unexpected.
 
what happened next was completely unforeseen. a lady in a white gown tumbled out of the spout. this was followed by soft music from the pipes. she stood up. her dress was soaked and she kept looking around. it was like she didn't know whether to be amused or to be lost. she was laughing and then covering her smile and saying "i don't even know how i got here." i told her that she came through the pipes but she wouldn't stop giggling. "i'm so lost." although very beautiful, she was completely playing the fool. this irritated me. no one can be that silly.

i told her my name is alfred. this made her laugh harder and blush. i asked her if she came from the moon. she said yes. she had been up on the moon in her pool with her friends and then she had been pulled, like a tide, down to earth. it was a good thing we had oxygen down here, she said. now, normally, i'd want to ask a lunar being all sorts of questions but i could tell there was no point, because she wasn't going to answer my enquiries. she started to pick up some of the lilies and kept saying "look at these. it's so wild." and "this is so crazy." her movements were very casual and yet mysterious.
 
she looked at me, with my plaid bathrobe, and said "you could wear the lilies like a crown." and burst out laughing. i have to confess that i wasn't very amused. she spread out her arms, slightly bent, with sleeves down to her thin wrists, and held up a string of green lily pads.
 
"you could be a frog with all of those." i said. she rubbed the back of her neck. maybe it was sore because she tended to slouch.

she frowned. "a frog? i came all this way and get called a frog?" she pouted. then she saw the moon sphere as the cold water knob. she became very excited. "so, this is what did it?" she asked. she dipped her hands in the water and then rubbed them across the moon globe.

i explained to her about the plumber and the old fixtures. she ran her index finger down the underside of the neck of the cold water swan. she seemed sad or at least serious for a second. she looked directly at me.

"alfred," she asked, "where did he get these pieces?" my previous explanation, i thought, made pretty clear that i didn't know where they came from. i was beginning to realize that she wasn't really very bright and i would be repeating myself often. the clock in the hallway chimed seven thirty.

she heard the clock and seemed melancholy. she told me she had to go back to the moon so that it would shine. one day, when everything was ready, she would return and take me back with her. until then, i should find out as much as i could from the plumber about the spouts -and avoid baths at 7 in the evening. she held up the chain to the stopper and waved good bye with a giggle. she gave the chain a pull and opened the drain. she flowed away, feet first, with the water and the plants.

the music stopped and the tub dried out.

i didn't want to even know what happened when you turned on the hot water.
 
 

4.8.13

backyard masterminds

 
 

one time i had a dream that it all got decided at the bbq.

they swapped lies about their engines performance and tried to impress each other with their network of contacts. they were all good friends. they played golf together all the time. they knew your uncle before you were born. naturally, they should make the decision. things were going to be done differently in this neighborhood from now on.

the man with the calculator shirt knew how to get it done. they were going to rely on him the most. he knew how to close the deal and get the results. it was a plan and they were satisfied with it. 

3.8.13

the cake burner

 
 
one time i had a dream that i was invited to sit with the king. we were having watercress soup and spinach quiche. we were going to have cake, but he wasn't very attentive while they were being baked. they ended up getting burned. he had alot on his mind. he was worried about protecting the people of the kingdom from invaders. he still got yelled at though.

after lunch he played the harp. he sang a very long song about boats and ships.

then he excused himself. he told me that he had a delicate stomach.


that was a good king. 

1.8.13

the grand hat

 
 
one time i had a dream that it was required to wear a hat again. i made a visit to the most famous hat maker in albany to buy one.

for some reason hats became mandatory. i decided that the best hat to wear would be a beret imported from france. when i looked up the conversion rate from dollars to francs and the shipping costs, i realized it was not going to be an easy importation.

instead, i figured i would buy a hat from the greatest hat maker in all of new york. he had a shop in albany down the street from the wolfnoth's mustard emporium. so one thursday i bought a fantastic trilby and a continental cocked hat.

the shop had photos of all the famous and powerful people who bought their hats there over the years. these included big wigs like teddy rooosevelt, the cadre of the local glove-maker's union, the last 4 mayors of albany, the orthodox patriarch of schenectady, a nobel prize winning author, the chief rabbi of niskayuna, the lady from the music station, numerous state senators, the inventor of potato chips, the great liberator, a famous shortstop, herman melville, the director of the museum of science fiction, and most impressively: lord cornbury in a nice bonnet.

all of the fashionable people enjoyed my chapeaux. it was very macaroni.

28.7.13

the day of the lights

 
 
one time i had a dream that they were on the move. ms. rathangan took out her binoculars to scan the skies over the river valley. the star singers came out with their music.
 
time drizzled ointment over the darkened cubes of random chance and unintended circumstance.
 

27.7.13

the miracle of generation and corruption


one time i had a dream that origins and endings operated in unity.

only the stars appeared eternal -- and even that was an illusion. as they hastened away from each other the orbs revealed themselves as creatures caught in time and given to expiration. 

18.7.13

the boat rude


one time i had a dream that i was stuck on a ferry with one of the world's most annoying people: brother filbert from the monastery.

new york had gone to war with vermont. the green mountain state had declared its independence from the united states at a convention in st. albans.  new york had, since colonial times, refused to  completely acknowledge the territorial claims of their neighbours to the east. the empire state kept secret plans for military operations against vermont. in the ny state house members of the legislature made wild speeches about reclaiming their lost counties to the east. they adopted a measure that declared since the vermont government had committed treason, the land reverted to its former status as part of albany county. the green mountaineers responded by declaring the revival of the vermont republic.

the vermontese decided to mint their own "vermont coppers" to replace the penny in their country and established alternative post offices and delivery services in the republic. the postal department of vermont had their own uniforms that were grey with green piping.

after vermont declared renewed independnce, new york responded by mobilizing troops to undertake an armed assault. vermont, with a batalion of volunteers, was able to launch a stealth attack from bennington after the announcement of hostilities. the vermontese moved westward to capture hoosick falls by nightfall (where they looted many paintings by grandma moses). the next day the soldiers of the vermont republic attempted to take the capital city of new york. they planned to arrest the governor and set fire to the state house. they met resistance from a platoon of batavi from albany who rode their swimming horses across the hudson river. the batavi prevented the vermontese troops from moving their assault further westward. the vermontese then hunkered down for a siege of troy.

new york's strategy was threefold. firstly, a fleet from the state navy would leave cumberland bay, some patroling the islands but the larger force moving eastward to bombard burlington, sack colchester -- reducing the city to ashes, sail up the the winooski river with a flotilla of destroyers to montpellier, release the new york marines, and capture the state government. secondly, a division of auxillaries would leave ft wm henry and capture the garrison at rutland. thirdly, a field army would depart from rousses point moving southward to st alban's with assistance from the north country airforce who would also be dropping paratroopers over the line at st. johnsbury.

things hadn't gone so well for the new yorkers because they vermontese had been very clever in defending their homeland including using burning maple syrup to block the roads.

fearing a vermontese assault on ft ticonderoga, the new york government blew up  the crown point bridge that linked chimney point with fort st. frederick.

i had a mustard job to do for a rich lady in shelburne. there was a war going on, but apparently for the upper classes this doesn't matter, they must have their proper condiments. anyway, the way to get across the lake was a special ferry. when i got onboard i saw filbert, but he was yaking on his mobile phone a little bit too loudly.

one man asked him not to speak so loudly and filbert told him to shut up. then another lady asked him why he was being so loud and he told her that she didn't need to know. finally, one of the soldiers on the boat told him he needed to stop being so loud because it was a security risk. filbert told him he didn't know what he was talking about. with that the soldier walked over to filbert, grabbed him by the belt, and threw him into the lake.

he had to swim to shore.  my pet-fish, bubbles, said that it was a good thing that filbert was wearing a life jacket because he didn't really want to save him.

bubbles also said that, technically, filbert's belt was called a cincture. actually, according to bubbles, it belonged to the monastery not the monk.

 

17.7.13

farm camp


one time i had a dream that my friend rode her motorcycle to farm camp. she wore the pink rubber boots for the whole trip.
 
people paid large sums of money to go up to the mountains and live with the cows for the summer.

16.7.13

x country


one time i had a dream that i was travelling cross country by bus.

i missed the bus in west winnemucca, nevada. i wasn't the only one. there were five other travelers. while we were waiting for the next bus to come each of us was given a bowl by a pixie lady. these vessels were to be passed on to a group of dancers in denver.

while we were each carrying our bowl we felt its power try to move us to dance. we attempted to resist it as much as possible, but it still made us tap our feet -- at the very least.

15.7.13

themself


one time i had a dream that they revealed themself to the illuminated whippersnappers.

14.7.13

moods


one time i had a dream that our moods were as mutable as the season of the cicada.   

13.7.13

the ring


one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, swallowed a lady's ring. she wanted it back.

it was ms. rathangan who lived on our road in woodstock. she was an expert on falling stars. one afternoon, in late march, bubbles asked her if she wanted to borrow his pruning shears. she said no thank you, but asked if he'd like to see her ring.

bubbles said, he'd be very happy to have a look. the ring was made of tin. she said it came from the wall of her house where she grew up. the house was very old and near the train station. the old steam trains used to spew out sparks from their smoke stacks. the sparks would sometimes land on a house and cause a fire. ms. rathangan said that a hundred years ago, one of the sparks landed on the post office roof, and the place burned down. they built a new brick post office, but the rest of the town put up corrugated tin plates on the outside walls and rooves of their homes.

when they renovated their house her father took down the tin plates, because the train no longer ran on steam, and had them made into a ring. when she left town her father gave her the ring so she would never be far from home.

while bubbles was admiring the craftsmanship, suddenly, the ring slipped off and accidentally sunk into his mouth. he couldn't help swallowing it, because it happened so fast, and he was swimming.

ms. rathangan became very angry. she shouted at him that he was a clumsy idiot. he said it wasn't his fault, and that he doesn't control gravity. she said she should cut him open, get her ring, and serve him for dinner. bubbles called her a wild cannibal who placed great value on worthless shining trinkets.

ms. rathangan sighed. then she composed herself and asked him very quietly and calmly if there was a way they could reach down his throat and pull it out. he suggested she could borrow uncle cuthred's old spear that he brought back from the wars. it was very dull, and if bent properly at the end, maybe they could ("pardon the expression" bubbles said) fish it out.

she said that that didn't seem like a good idea. she asked if pepper made him sneeze. he said sometimes, and it was worth a try. they went to my mustard shop and pulled out a jar of dried pepper. she put some at his nose and he inhaled. bubbles sneezed and flew 5 feet up in the air. however, the ring didn't come out.

bubbles said that one time he had tried to smoke uncle edward's pipe and it made him vomit. he suggested that maybe he could have a smoke and see what happened. so they took down a ceremonial dutch pipe from the mantle piece of one of the fireplaces and borrowed some tobacco from one of the neighbors. ms. rathangan lit up the pipe and bubbles started to smoke.

he started to cough and cough. then, he got more accustomed to the smoke. after a while he started to get bugged out eyes and his face went very pale.

"ick, i don't feel so well, meggers." he said. then he started to retch. he puked up the ring and most of his lunch which had been cheese and broccoli soup. ms. rathangan used the pruning shears to pick up the ring and washed it off on the spigot on the side of the house. then, she put it in her pocket.

bubbles apologized about the whole incident and said that at least she got her ring back. she giggled and said it definitely added a deeper history to the story of the ring. after that, bubbles and she became very close associates of a certain sort.  

12.7.13

spiders in the house of an angry fish


one time i had a dream that there were giant spiders in my cellar. they were crawling over the good port and the cheap sherry. they were very hairy and very scary.

i'd lock the door to the cellar stairs when company would come over, because i was afraid they'd escape. they were probably poisonous or something.

bubbles said we should burn the house down before they murder us.