bvm

one time i had a dream that our lady started talking to me through an icon. she told me that she had my back.

the abbot arnoulf, who is the older brother of mathilde, the fiancée of my cousin harold, presented me with a photo of an icon the last time we met. it was very old and i liked it a great deal. i thanked him for it and told him i would hang it in the house in woodstock. arnoulf told me he would give me the actual icon, since i liked it so much. he said it had been in his family for a very long time. i asked him what the best way to ship it would be. he told me not to worry, he would have it wrapped by his underling monks and they would send it in a secure manner.

i figured that the monks would be especially good at wrapping, but apparently they don't get out very often, so they don't know how crazy shipping can be. they didn't give it enough padding, and it fractured in sending it across the atlantic.

one day after i had been making mustard, i walked into the kitchen to prepare lunch. as i was passing the icon, i thought i heard a voice calling me. so i said "¿que pasa?"

i thought i heard the voice of our lady say "nada." then she told me don't worry, and that she had my back. at first i thought i was going crazy. then i thought it was bubbles playing a trick. however, i could see he was lounging in the swimming pool, on a floating air mattress, with a drink with an umbrella in it. he might have been sleeping; i wasn't sure because he was wearing his black sunglasses.

i telephoned arnoulf in france. the monk who answered the phone, brother filbert, said that he was busy praying, but when i told filbert that it was about the icon, he got sort of nervous and sent a novice to go get the abbot. i told arnoulf what had happened. he said that of course, such things are possible, but not very likely and incredibly rare.

i asked him if the icon had ever spoke before.

arnoulf said that the icon dated back to the 13th century (he said it in french first, and then counted up from nineth in english to 13th), but there was never any miraculous claims about it. arnoulf wanted to know was i fasting or if i was getting enough sleep. he asked if i had bumped my head or had been staring at a strobe light. i told him that i didn't have lunch yet that day, but otherwise, no.

he asked if i had been exposed to any chemicals that afternoon. i told him i was in the mustard lab with the windows closed. he said i must be hallucinating from the mustard fumes.

he told me to say an "ave" and make sure that i was keeping the lab properly ventilated by throwing open the windows.