one time i had a dream that you could identify ghosts by speaking french to them. george washington told me about this.
general george washington of the continental army ordered me to throw the ghosts out of a mansion on christmas. i asked him how i could tell who was a real person and who was a ghost. he told me "try speaking french to them. if they answer back, they're probably a ghost."
so, i set off with my companion de guerre, janek, who was a very tall fellow with exceptionally large feet, to attend the christmas ball with the hopes of chasing away the spirits. we arrived at the very festive and highly pompus ball in our continetal revolutionary costumes. at first because we were ragtag looking the door man refused to let us in. he talked about the list and the length of the line. however, when we showed our papers from general washington, the door keeper took on a tone of respect, and let us in.
we arrived in time for the punch to be served, and my companion de guerre decided to drink several glasses of it. i decided to check out the mustards that were being offered but declined to eat any of them because i found them to be inferior to my own personal standards. instead, i munched on a few pieces of fudge which were unbelievably delicious. i don't know how often you eat fudge, gentle reader, but i can assure you that this was legitimately and indubitably, better than any confectionery that you either have or will consume. it was made by the dean of a very reputable southern college. when the master punch maker came round to see if people liked his drink, he told us that he perfected his recipe while washing his underwear during a vacation in the country with his brother at their cabin.
finally, it was time to start shooing away the ghosts. i went up to a group of ladies and addressed them in my best french. they laughed at me, pointed at my funny revolutionary cap, and whispered to each other. it's not like i asked to kiss them. anyways, satisfied that they weren't apparitions, i walked away somewhat embarrassed.
i found janek who was sitting on a sofa near the side of one of the rooms. he was looking around the party with a skeptical eye, and i told him this was the stupidest plan ever. he agreed, but acknowledged that we were under orders from general washington, and that the general rarely made mistakes. however, janek allowed, there was a considerable flaw in this plan. he told me that he didn't speak french.
just say "parley voo?" to them, i offered. if they respond, then you know that they're a ghost. so we went around asking everyone if they could parley. we found a several people that did, and kicked them out of the mansion. it seemed to be successful and the house was never haunted again.
when we reported back to general washington, he barely remembered our mission. his annoying little clerk said "so what?" he said. "what do you want? a medal? write to congress. don't come looking for me."
general washington got out of his chair, told off his clerk, and said "good job, boys." i was going to ask if he would show us his wooden teeth, but he didn't seem like the kind of guy who liked to show off, so i didn't push it.