six mustards that i made

one time i had a dream that my mustards were accepted by the academy of condiments in france. it was great to finally receive formal recognition for something that i've worked so hard at, and for which i give such tremendous passion.

i got to make a speech. this is what i said:

if the planet, maybe even the galaxy, were to adopt the respectfulness of mustard and its lessons for the world, we'd be in a happier place. the recognition of every uniqueness would improve things, because of understanding, and they could give up on their fear.

mustard mixes have the ability to inspire people to transform, and absorb the progress that things need. that's why i feel so strongly about flavor being artistry, and maybe like rivulets that could gratify, people wouldn't have to be so stringent about accepting the things that debilitate, or like devitalize. that's why my mustards are 100 percent mixed and edible.

and there are a lot of ways of doing that, which is why mustard has so much to offer us. when mustard starts out as a plant it doesn't have these expectations that people carry with them, all these pre-conceived notions about how other people need to live their life or anything. it's just a tree growing in a garden, with birds and things flying around. people think, instead, there are a bunch of promises made to them, maybe sometimes people do make them promises that don't come true.

so that is why mustard has to come into things, to enliven and make free flavors that people were either afraid to try, or didn't have the ability to imagine something that's authentic to achieve. that's why i mix mustard. for all of the people who can't. either because they don't have the time, or the ability, or the tools, or the money, or whatever. i do it for the people that don't have.

you have to move things to the extreme to appreciate how what seems ordinary really is a hidden form of amazing that we just haven't discovered yet. and that's why it's really important that people have identities.

the academy accepted my mustards, and we had a reception. it was very grateful.

my pet fish, bubbles, said mustard mixing is vapid. i told him it takes longer than he thinks, and that's why it's visionary.

the world revolves

one time i had a dream that the world revolves around you.

my pet fish bubbles said that the world actually revolves around the sun. i asked him if he had ever seen the sun. he said in the sky, but not up close.

when i asked him why not, he said that he'd get burned if he got too close. i said that it was the same with you.

interrogate the narratives

one time i had a dream that i had to question every story that i had ever heard anybody tell for its values and veracity. i had to make a truth table for their premises and the permutations of argument.

i found out you could have a false premise and a true conclusion. it was very confusing to project. people were saying all sorts of wacky things like: fashion models are horses because they wear shoes, or that horses are hoses because they both carry water, and/or that rivers are horses because they run.

one man thought the solar system was a giant bouquet of flowers and that people were like bees jumping from planet to planet. he pointed out that both bees and humans dance in complicated patterns to communicate. he considered the square dance and the cotillion as the most cosmic forms of human interaction. some people complained that this was very occidentalized. he responded that his theory did not include oxen because the plural ending of thw word was strong rather than employing a weak inflection with a sibilant. he complained that they had confused the empirical with the hemispherical, and needed to re-evaluate the proto-imperialism that they considered normative to accommodate for the consequences of investigative techniques outside the sapiential "center" (and he emphasized the quotations around the word "center" by showing his teeth) with which they were familiar.

an othered lady said that the only place where earthlings would be safe was outside this dimension in a world we constructed out of wooden boxes and oil paint. when the paint finally dried, the new multiverse would be complete, and we could liberate ourselves from danger inside the boxes if the non-event collapse ever came.

i thought i would try to tell them about my uncle cuthred's ideas on babylonian archaeology and his 'modern' architectural theory (well, it was considered modern - back then), but people kept expounding their own ideas at length, which minimized clarity, and i didn't get a chance to interject unless i wanted to be rude. and i didn't want to, if you know what i mean.

finally, bubbles, my pet-fish, showed up and told them that pythagoras said complex things can be broken down into more simple things. but then again, bubbles said, everything is a result of social conditions, so maybe it was only true in pythagoras's day. i was going say that classical values are eternal and unchanging, but someone said they had a special correlation between triangles and antelopes, so i never got in a word.

the roaring ones

one time, i had a dream that i was socializing with the glamorous crowd of the 1920s.

bubbles, my pet-fish, said they weren't so glamorous after the market crashed.

the dust bunnies invade

one time i had a dream that dust bunnies invaded the galaxy and were trying to take over the mode of production.

i tried to tell them to do that they needed to challenge the dominant ideology, but they didn't listen -- which is weird because they have big ears.

my pet fish, bubbles, asked me whose side i was on anyway. i told him that in the future we would all be eating carrots and living in the event clouds.

the creation of eve

one time, i had a dream that i was there at the creation of eve.

the six books of dullness

one time i had a dream that all books were the same in style and content, but everyone had to say that they were diverse and wonderful.

my petfish, bubbles, told me that i must learn to deny the obvious because universality must only be recognized as contextual plurality.