the boat rude

one time i had a dream that i was stuck on a ferry with one of the world's most annoying people: brother filbert from the monastery.

new york had gone to war with vermont. the green mountain state had declared its independence from the united states at a convention in st. albans.  new york had, since colonial times, refused to  completely acknowledge the territorial claims of their neighbours to the east. the empire state kept secret plans for military operations against vermont. in the ny state house members of the legislature made wild speeches about reclaiming their lost counties to the east. they adopted a measure that declared since the vermont government had committed treason, the land reverted to its former status as part of albany county. the green mountaineers responded by declaring the revival of the vermont republic.

the vermontese decided to mint their own "vermont coppers" to replace the penny in their country and established alternative post offices and delivery services in the republic. the postal department of vermont had their own uniforms that were grey with green piping.

after vermont declared renewed independnce, new york responded by mobilizing troops to undertake an armed assault. vermont, with a batalion of volunteers, was able to launch a stealth attack from bennington after the announcement of hostilities. the vermontese moved westward to capture hoosick falls by nightfall (where they looted many paintings by grandma moses). the next day the soldiers of the vermont republic attempted to take the capital city of new york. they planned to arrest the governor and set fire to the state house. they met resistance from a platoon of batavi from albany who rode their swimming horses across the hudson river. the batavi prevented the vermontese troops from moving their assault further westward. the vermontese then hunkered down for a siege of troy.

new york's strategy was threefold. firstly, a fleet from the state navy would leave cumberland bay, some patroling the islands but the larger force moving eastward to bombard burlington, sack colchester -- reducing the city to ashes, sail up the the winooski river with a flotilla of destroyers to montpellier, release the new york marines, and capture the state government. secondly, a division of auxillaries would leave ft wm henry and capture the garrison at rutland. thirdly, a field army would depart from rousses point moving southward to st alban's with assistance from the north country airforce who would also be dropping paratroopers over the line at st. johnsbury.

things hadn't gone so well for the new yorkers because they vermontese had been very clever in defending their homeland including using burning maple syrup to block the roads.

fearing a vermontese assault on ft ticonderoga, the new york government blew up  the crown point bridge that linked chimney point with fort st. frederick.

i had a mustard job to do for a rich lady in shelburne. there was a war going on, but apparently for the upper classes this doesn't matter, they must have their proper condiments. anyway, the way to get across the lake was a special ferry. when i got onboard i saw filbert, but he was yaking on his mobile phone a little bit too loudly.

one man asked him not to speak so loudly and filbert told him to shut up. then another lady asked him why he was being so loud and he told her that she didn't need to know. finally, one of the soldiers on the boat told him he needed to stop being so loud because it was a security risk. filbert told him he didn't know what he was talking about. with that the soldier walked over to filbert, grabbed him by the belt, and threw him into the lake.

he had to swim to shore.  my pet-fish, bubbles, said that it was a good thing that filbert was wearing a life jacket because he didn't really want to save him.

bubbles also said that, technically, filbert's belt was called a cincture. actually, according to bubbles, it belonged to the monastery not the monk.

 

farm camp

one time i had a dream that my friend rode her motorcycle to farm camp. she wore the pink rubber boots for the whole trip.

 

people paid large sums of money to go up to the mountains and live with the cows for the summer.

x country

one time i had a dream that i was travelling cross country by bus.

i missed the bus in west winnemucca, nevada. i wasn't the only one. there were five other travelers. while we were waiting for the next bus to come each of us was given a bowl by a pixie lady. these vessels were to be passed on to a group of dancers in denver.

while we were each carrying our bowl we felt its power try to move us to dance. we attempted to resist it as much as possible, but it still made us tap our feet -- at the very least.

themself

one time i had a dream that they revealed themself to the illuminated whippersnappers.

moods

one time i had a dream that our moods were as mutable as the season of the cicada.   

the ring

one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, swallowed a lady's ring. she wanted it back.

it was ms. rathangan who lived on our road in woodstock. she was an expert on falling stars. one afternoon, in late march, bubbles asked her if she wanted to borrow his pruning shears. she said no thank you, but asked if he'd like to see her ring.

bubbles said, he'd be very happy to have a look. the ring was made of tin. she said it came from the wall of her house where she grew up. the house was very old and near the train station. the old steam trains used to spew out sparks from their smoke stacks. the sparks would sometimes land on a house and cause a fire. ms. rathangan said that a hundred years ago, one of the sparks landed on the post office roof, and the place burned down. they built a new brick post office, but the rest of the town put up corrugated tin plates on the outside walls and rooves of their homes.

when they renovated their house her father took down the tin plates, because the train no longer ran on steam, and had them made into a ring. when she left town her father gave her the ring so she would never be far from home.

while bubbles was admiring the craftsmanship, suddenly, the ring slipped off and accidentally sunk into his mouth. he couldn't help swallowing it, because it happened so fast, and he was swimming.

ms. rathangan became very angry. she shouted at him that he was a clumsy idiot. he said it wasn't his fault, and that he doesn't control gravity. she said she should cut him open, get her ring, and serve him for dinner. bubbles called her a wild cannibal who placed great value on worthless shining trinkets.

ms. rathangan sighed. then she composed herself and asked him very quietly and calmly if there was a way they could reach down his throat and pull it out. he suggested she could borrow uncle cuthred's old spear that he brought back from the wars. it was very dull, and if bent properly at the end, maybe they could ("pardon the expression" bubbles said) fish it out.

she said that that didn't seem like a good idea. she asked if pepper made him sneeze. he said sometimes, and it was worth a try. they went to my mustard shop and pulled out a jar of dried pepper. she put some at his nose and he inhaled. bubbles sneezed and flew 5 feet up in the air. however, the ring didn't come out.

bubbles said that one time he had tried to smoke uncle edward's pipe and it made him vomit. he suggested that maybe he could have a smoke and see what happened. so they took down a ceremonial dutch pipe from the mantle piece of one of the fireplaces and borrowed some tobacco from one of the neighbors. ms. rathangan lit up the pipe and bubbles started to smoke.

he started to cough and cough. then, he got more accustomed to the smoke. after a while he started to get bugged out eyes and his face went very pale.

"ick, i don't feel so well, meggers." he said. then he started to retch. he puked up the ring and most of his lunch which had been cheese and broccoli soup. ms. rathangan used the pruning shears to pick up the ring and washed it off on the spigot on the side of the house. then, she put it in her pocket.

bubbles apologized about the whole incident and said that at least she got her ring back. she giggled and said it definitely added a deeper history to the story of the ring. after that, bubbles and she became very close associates of a certain sort.  

spiders in the house of an angry fish

one time i had a dream that there were giant spiders in my cellar. they were crawling over the good port and the cheap sherry. they were very hairy and very scary.

i'd lock the door to the cellar stairs when company would come over, because i was afraid they'd escape. they were probably poisonous or something.

bubbles said we should burn the house down before they murder us.